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I imagine going to the doctor one day, and he comes in with…

I imagine going to the doctor one day, and he comes in with the X-rays, a shadow across his face, and he says, “It’s everywhere. You have six months, maybe eight. There’s nothing we can do but make you comfortable.” “Not a problem,” I say. “I can make myself comfortable.” I head for the nearest convenience store and ask for a carton of Camels. I light up one of these coffin nails and then head for the liquor store. I ask for an empty carton and fill it up with a dozen bottles of hard stuff. I knock down a couple of shots and head for the market, where I buy some thick steaks to charbroil on the grill.  “Cancer schmancer,” I say to myself. “It’s party time.” —Adapted from an essay by Garrison Keillor

Suppose Colin Powell tires of giving $100,000-a-pop speeches…

Suppose Colin Powell tires of giving $100,000-a-pop speeches and wants to teach high school social studies. Suppose Meryl Streep has a hankering to teach drama. Alas, they would be “unqualified” for a public school. Elite private schools would snap them up, of course, but public schools that are begging for teachers would have to turn them away because they don’t have teacher certification. That’s an absurd snarl in our education bureaucracy. Let’s relax the barriers so people can enter teaching more easily, either right out of college or later as a midcareer switch.

When we try to name the one thing that makes America great,…

When we try to name the one thing that makes America great, we are forced to conclude that the answer is “quality of life,” defined as “working toilets.” We are blessed with the finest toilet system in the world. When we go to a public place such as a shopping mall or restaurant, we know that we will find public restrooms meeting all the standards of the Federal Interstate Commode Quality Act, including:· Modern soap and paper-towel dispensers designed to conserve our planet’s precious resources by always being out of soap and paper towels.· Bad words that have been written on the walls by irresponsible, reprehensible, antisocial, degenerate perverts who can be pretty funny.· A person who has been in a stall for at least two days making noises like walruses mating.Also, sometimes, if prankish youngsters have not stolen it or attempted to flush a rental security guard down it, there will be a TOILET THAT ACTUALLY WORKS.

Conservative politicians say that gay marriage must be banne…

Conservative politicians say that gay marriage must be banned in order to protect the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. How, exactly, does gay marriage threaten straight marriage? Marriage is a way of publicly stating that two people care deeply for one another and want to establish themselves as a permanent couple. Marriage makes a society more stable, not less so. When two gay people get married, it does not mean that two straight people have to break up. Conservatives are supposedly in favor of “family values,” and what is more in keeping with “family values” than committed partners? If people don’t like the idea of gay marriage, they are entitled to their opinion. But they should not try to make their opinion the basis of law affecting the lives of others.